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My Near Death Experience

My Near Death Experience - Post Op Delirium and PTSD

Hello everyone, not written on here in a while!


I was watching 'The Fall' recently and there's a part in it where he has a 'near death experience' and he's in a tunnel with his late mother shouting him and then his living daughter at the other end shouting him.



I've shared before that I suffered with post surgical delirium and hallucinations but I've never really gone into much detail. This is because it was upsetting at the time for those around me to see me so distressed but also because I don't often look to the past. But that part of the programme really reminded me of my experience and I wanted to share in the hope that it may help.


So some part of ICU I remember, although it was very tunnel vision as I couldn't move. So I remember my parents and Ciaran seeing me the first time I was woken up after 6 days and they told me what day it was etc. But after that the line between reality and fiction became very blurry! I was in and out of consciousness for about another week so a lot happened in my head during that time, everything from thinking people came to see me who didn't, to thinking my doctor wanted to take my organs for someone else and was chopping parts of my body off.


Although all of this was very upsetting at the time, probably the scariest part was being 'called to death'. There was a time where I was lay down and the ceiling above me had all gravestones in a line of family members who have passed away. They wanted me to come and join them. In a way it was comforting to see them and know they were waiting for me on the other side, but I vividly remember telling them 'no I'm not ready yet'. I knew I wasn't ready to die and I told them I wasn't ready to join them yet. They were very persuasive and it was really traumatic. There was even a gravestone with my name on it ready. 


It makes me wonder at what point I had this experience. Was it early on when my new heart was failing and they put me on a balloon pump? And my brain was fighting to stay alive? Or was it just a delusional thought based on what my subconscious thinks death will be like.


I don't know. My delusions were very vivid, but I'm also a very vivid dreamer so that doesn't surprise me. I'm someone who remembers my dreams and I can stop and change them while I'm asleep. But I'm far from the only person who has experienced this whilst in ICU. In fact delirium has been reported in up to 87% of ICU patients, and around 46% in general surgery cases.


Thankfully I'm very logical and even while it was happening I questioned what was real and what wasn't although it felt so real. When I spoke about it with nurses and when my family expressed their concerns we were just told 'yeah it's the drugs.' 'Oh it happens to everyone it's fine'.


Anyone with a mental health or physical condition will know that knowing other people have it doesn't make your distress any less so. I have studied psychology and human behaviour and it was disappointing to me that this wasn't taken more seriously.


I've spoken to fellow transplantees who really struggle with PTSD, and the delusions are often a main factor. It's weird to think your brain is that dark and it's trauma in itself what you experienced, despite knowing it wasn't real. I'd like to see more research into why this happens and what things we can do to prevent it or to lessen the long term effects of it.


If anyone knows of any studies into this let me know, and also if you ever want someone to talk to.

Stay Safe

Charlotte x



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