While I was asleep my mum kept a diary which is great because I obviously had no idea what was going on while I was in ICU. It's also really nice that she's written about what was going on at home and in everyones lives because my mum moved house and Emily had her Hen Do while I was unconscious and I feel like I've missed so much!
One thing my family weren't prepared for was that in ICU you're not on your own, you're with other patients that are also on tons of machinery and it was quite overwhelming for them. They kept me asleep for longer because my new heart dialated at first so they had to put a balloon pump in to help it out. This goes in through the main vein in your groin (similar to when you have a right heart catheter) and a pump helps your heart pump, it allows your heart to relax a bit allowing it to recover. Thankfully I don't remember them doing this or them taking it out, although I have the bruises all over my legs and groin to prove it!
When I was asleep I was on dialysis not just for the kidneys but it helps get rid of CO2 because you're not breathing out properly being on the ventilator, it gets rid of fluid and sorts out other things, but it makes you really cold so I had a heated blanket and that was great! Even though I was asleep, I remember bits like that, its called a bear hugger I think.
Being as stubborn as I am, apparently I was trying to wake up for 2 days while I was being kept asleep. So after roughly a week I was woken up and my family were told it could take about 12 hours for me to come round but I was awake almost immediately! I vaguely remember this time, I remember seeing Ciaran, Emily, my mum and my dad but I couldn't speak because I was still on a ventilator. As I look back this memory is blurred with my hallucinations but people have confirmed that what I remember is real so that's nice, I remember my dad telling me I'd been asleep for a week which was weird. Although I still had the ventilator I didn't need it as I was breathing well on my own and my consultant was happy with my progress.
At this point I had a few messages on facebook from people wondering if I was okay because I'd been asleep for a week (maybe I'm on social media too much... haha). Only my 2 close friends and my close family knew that I'd had my op. I didn't want to publicise when I'd had my operation and still don't because I don't want the family of my donor finding my blog and assuming I'm the recipient of their family members heart when it might not be me and I'm also not mentally prepared to make contact with them even though I think about them every day.
They sedated me again the day they woke me up so I'd have a peaceful night and then they took the ventilator out the following morning. They also removed 2 of my drains (used to drain fluid and blood from the chest cavity) and took out the balloon pump. So I think I was conscious for this but I don't remember it, so I probably still had sedation in me. This is when the hallucinations started I think...
I won't go into detail as I have around a weeks worth of memories that aren't actually memories they're all in my head. But I had full days of conversations and events, completely made up. I thought I was pregnant because the lady across from me was bleeding and they switched up our results by accident (there was no lady across from me). All Ciarans family came to see me and people were messing about with my drugs and deleting my memories. Then my consultant did another transplant so I had two hearts and I had to die so they could use them in another transplant so I wouldn't sleep because I thought if I slept I'd be cut up. All the nurses were trying to trick me and kill me so I wouldn't let anyone touch me so they sedated me and at that point I thought I was dead. Because I was fully aware of what was going on but I couldn't move, so a lady washed my hair and I thought they were pretending they hadn't killed me by just carrying on like normal, it was very strange and very scary as I didn't know what was real. So if you are a family member of someone who's sedated, only talk about nice things! My mum was moaning to Ciaran about the house move and work and I was shouting for her to shut up but I couldn't speak!
So I eventually did fall asleep and I actually woke up in CTCCU with my dad and Ciaran sat there and I said 'right I'm off, I'm going home' but I couldn't move. After 10 days of being sedated you can't move your body, I've lost nearly a stone in weight and I have no muscles in my legs or bum, even now that I'm walking about. Even when I woke up I was very unsure about where I was and if it was real. And then when I woke up again I was in a different room and this is where I came round properly and I was fully conscious.
So my next post will be a bit more detailed of day to day activities as I wrote down roughly what happened each day, where as ICU is a blur! If you're going through the transplant journey I think it's important to know that you never know what will happen. Don't believe what you read where it says 'most people are awake after a couple of day'. The fact is the doctors keep a very close eye on you and they do what's best for you personally, your family may start to worry if you're kept asleep for longer but this is completely normal if the consultants feel that you need it. You just have to trust them :) After all, they are pretty good at what they do!
One thing my family weren't prepared for was that in ICU you're not on your own, you're with other patients that are also on tons of machinery and it was quite overwhelming for them. They kept me asleep for longer because my new heart dialated at first so they had to put a balloon pump in to help it out. This goes in through the main vein in your groin (similar to when you have a right heart catheter) and a pump helps your heart pump, it allows your heart to relax a bit allowing it to recover. Thankfully I don't remember them doing this or them taking it out, although I have the bruises all over my legs and groin to prove it!
When I was asleep I was on dialysis not just for the kidneys but it helps get rid of CO2 because you're not breathing out properly being on the ventilator, it gets rid of fluid and sorts out other things, but it makes you really cold so I had a heated blanket and that was great! Even though I was asleep, I remember bits like that, its called a bear hugger I think.
Being as stubborn as I am, apparently I was trying to wake up for 2 days while I was being kept asleep. So after roughly a week I was woken up and my family were told it could take about 12 hours for me to come round but I was awake almost immediately! I vaguely remember this time, I remember seeing Ciaran, Emily, my mum and my dad but I couldn't speak because I was still on a ventilator. As I look back this memory is blurred with my hallucinations but people have confirmed that what I remember is real so that's nice, I remember my dad telling me I'd been asleep for a week which was weird. Although I still had the ventilator I didn't need it as I was breathing well on my own and my consultant was happy with my progress.
At this point I had a few messages on facebook from people wondering if I was okay because I'd been asleep for a week (maybe I'm on social media too much... haha). Only my 2 close friends and my close family knew that I'd had my op. I didn't want to publicise when I'd had my operation and still don't because I don't want the family of my donor finding my blog and assuming I'm the recipient of their family members heart when it might not be me and I'm also not mentally prepared to make contact with them even though I think about them every day.
They sedated me again the day they woke me up so I'd have a peaceful night and then they took the ventilator out the following morning. They also removed 2 of my drains (used to drain fluid and blood from the chest cavity) and took out the balloon pump. So I think I was conscious for this but I don't remember it, so I probably still had sedation in me. This is when the hallucinations started I think...
I won't go into detail as I have around a weeks worth of memories that aren't actually memories they're all in my head. But I had full days of conversations and events, completely made up. I thought I was pregnant because the lady across from me was bleeding and they switched up our results by accident (there was no lady across from me). All Ciarans family came to see me and people were messing about with my drugs and deleting my memories. Then my consultant did another transplant so I had two hearts and I had to die so they could use them in another transplant so I wouldn't sleep because I thought if I slept I'd be cut up. All the nurses were trying to trick me and kill me so I wouldn't let anyone touch me so they sedated me and at that point I thought I was dead. Because I was fully aware of what was going on but I couldn't move, so a lady washed my hair and I thought they were pretending they hadn't killed me by just carrying on like normal, it was very strange and very scary as I didn't know what was real. So if you are a family member of someone who's sedated, only talk about nice things! My mum was moaning to Ciaran about the house move and work and I was shouting for her to shut up but I couldn't speak!
So I eventually did fall asleep and I actually woke up in CTCCU with my dad and Ciaran sat there and I said 'right I'm off, I'm going home' but I couldn't move. After 10 days of being sedated you can't move your body, I've lost nearly a stone in weight and I have no muscles in my legs or bum, even now that I'm walking about. Even when I woke up I was very unsure about where I was and if it was real. And then when I woke up again I was in a different room and this is where I came round properly and I was fully conscious.
So my next post will be a bit more detailed of day to day activities as I wrote down roughly what happened each day, where as ICU is a blur! If you're going through the transplant journey I think it's important to know that you never know what will happen. Don't believe what you read where it says 'most people are awake after a couple of day'. The fact is the doctors keep a very close eye on you and they do what's best for you personally, your family may start to worry if you're kept asleep for longer but this is completely normal if the consultants feel that you need it. You just have to trust them :) After all, they are pretty good at what they do!
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