So during my hallucinations I thought if I went to sleep I would die so my family have told me that I kept opening my eyes really wide, because I was nodding off in my hallucinations but trying so hard to stay awake even though they kept injecting me with sedative. Just shows you how powerful your brain is!
Anyway, I eventually fell asleep and I actually woke up in a side room somewhere. The problem with ICU is that you get moved around a lot so each time I gained consciousness I was in a different room so you can't even tell if you're awake or hallucinating. But I woke up in a side room and Ciaran and my dad were there and they were telling me that they'd spent the night watching the football with a few beers and Ciaran stayed at my dad's which was really nice to hear! I don't remember much of the conversation as I was still pretty out of it but I remember being really confused that I'd been asleep for 2 weeks, and I'd been told certain things during consciousness in ICU which I wasn't sure whether I'd made it up or if it was real! At this point I said 'right I'm off. I'm going home' and my dad and Ciaran thought this was hilarious! But I didn't want to spend another minute in the place that was trying to kill me! But I couldn't move any of my body! I pulled a muscle in my bum by shuffling around trying to pull myself up. But it was lovely to wake up and see them both there, even though I still couldn't really tell if it was real. Then I fell asleep. Then when I woke up my mum and Ciaran were there.
That evening I burst into tears because I was so confused by my hallucinations, I was convinced I was going to die and I told my mum and Ciaran how much I loved them and all my family and Ciaran's family and that I wished I'd told everyone more often how much I loved them and how much I appreciate them. As scary as it was, it's nice to be so young and be fortunate enough to know what is important in life. Not once did I regret being in loads of student debt or taking a year off before going to uni, I regretted not travelling more, wasting time at uni instead of just enjoying life and all I wanted to do was spend one more night sitting in the living room watching a movie with Ciaran.
I feel bad now that I upset my mum but I was convinced I was dying, I said 'you don't understand, I'm going to die, there's nothing I can do, I know it'a going to happen' and they couldn't convince me that I was going to be okay and the nurses weren't trying to kill me! But then I fell asleep.
The next memory I have, I woke up in a different room in CTCCU in the dark with a nurse filling out some notes on the computer next to me. I was in a room by myself at this point. She explained where I was and the clock in front of me had the day, date and time on it which was really strange because I'd lost so many days and I couldn't remember when I came to the hospital! It was about 4am I think and I still wasn't sure if I was awake and I kept thinking I want someone to come and see me so I know if it's real, because I was still unsure about the nurses intentions at this point! Haha. So I didn't sleep really, I was just watching the clock.
By the time I was conscious I wasn't on any oxygen, I had one drain coming out of my chest, just underneath my ribs. I had pacing wires attatched to my heart and they were coming out of my chest, that was basically on standbye, so my heart was beating on its own and had its own rythm but it was set to 70bpm so if my heart rate dropped to this the pacing box would kick in. I had a tube in my nose which was putting food straight into my stomach, I had a catheter and I was on telematry which is just stickers on your chest which measures your heart rate, it can pick up any irregular beats or anything.
I was on IVs still at this point, I wasn't on anti rejections yet because they'd been giving me IVs while I'd been asleep, I had IV antickness and antibiotics and allsorts of other stuff. I'm usually really on the ball with what I'm taking but there was so much stuff that I just left the nurse to it! And some medicines were put through my feeding tube.
Thursday 08.03.18
THEN after some breakfast, although I couldn't eat my rice krispies because I didn't have the strength to lift up my spoon! My father came bouncing through the door! He'd had a shave and was in a suit and looked fresh as a daisy with a big smile on his face and I knew I was awake then! I've never been so happy to have a visitor! I was sat up because I'd had some food and I could have a chat with my dad instead of just mumbling! Then my dad left and passed Ciaran in the carpark and said 'I'm not going to say anything but she's back'.
So Ciaran came in then and it was amazing to see him! And he fed me some jelly and fruit which was the first thing I'd eaten in weeks, it was amazing!! Because I was hungry but I couldn't feed myself.
One really grim thing in CTCCU is that I was on laxatives while I was unconscious and they were still working to say the least! But I still couldn't move my body to be able to even use a bed pan so they had to roll me a lot to change the sheets and that's when I started noticing the pain in my chest when they rolled me! But you quickly get used to being washed in bed and the nurses looking after you! But my stomach was killing me, and no one tells you you're on laxatives! So I thought maybe the feed had lactose in it or my body was malfuntioning!
But I wasn't on any pain relief at this point other than IV paracetemol in the morning, because I wasn't moving I wasn't in any pain which was nice. Some girls I've spoken to woke up the day after their surgery and were in agony so I'm kind of glad I was asleep for so long!
My memory is still a bit fuzzy from my time in CTCCU but I updated facebook that I was back in the world and had had my surgery! Ciaran helped me write it because I couldn't text, my hands were so shaky! Partly from the drugs but partly because I just had no strength in my hands. I couldn't believe how many lovely messages I had from people asking if I was okay because I hadn't been on facebook and messages from family. My replies probably made no sense at this time because I'd write a message and then forget what I was writing or fall asleep, and its funny reading back through messages now!
Anyway, I eventually fell asleep and I actually woke up in a side room somewhere. The problem with ICU is that you get moved around a lot so each time I gained consciousness I was in a different room so you can't even tell if you're awake or hallucinating. But I woke up in a side room and Ciaran and my dad were there and they were telling me that they'd spent the night watching the football with a few beers and Ciaran stayed at my dad's which was really nice to hear! I don't remember much of the conversation as I was still pretty out of it but I remember being really confused that I'd been asleep for 2 weeks, and I'd been told certain things during consciousness in ICU which I wasn't sure whether I'd made it up or if it was real! At this point I said 'right I'm off. I'm going home' and my dad and Ciaran thought this was hilarious! But I didn't want to spend another minute in the place that was trying to kill me! But I couldn't move any of my body! I pulled a muscle in my bum by shuffling around trying to pull myself up. But it was lovely to wake up and see them both there, even though I still couldn't really tell if it was real. Then I fell asleep. Then when I woke up my mum and Ciaran were there.
That evening I burst into tears because I was so confused by my hallucinations, I was convinced I was going to die and I told my mum and Ciaran how much I loved them and all my family and Ciaran's family and that I wished I'd told everyone more often how much I loved them and how much I appreciate them. As scary as it was, it's nice to be so young and be fortunate enough to know what is important in life. Not once did I regret being in loads of student debt or taking a year off before going to uni, I regretted not travelling more, wasting time at uni instead of just enjoying life and all I wanted to do was spend one more night sitting in the living room watching a movie with Ciaran.
I feel bad now that I upset my mum but I was convinced I was dying, I said 'you don't understand, I'm going to die, there's nothing I can do, I know it'a going to happen' and they couldn't convince me that I was going to be okay and the nurses weren't trying to kill me! But then I fell asleep.
The next memory I have, I woke up in a different room in CTCCU in the dark with a nurse filling out some notes on the computer next to me. I was in a room by myself at this point. She explained where I was and the clock in front of me had the day, date and time on it which was really strange because I'd lost so many days and I couldn't remember when I came to the hospital! It was about 4am I think and I still wasn't sure if I was awake and I kept thinking I want someone to come and see me so I know if it's real, because I was still unsure about the nurses intentions at this point! Haha. So I didn't sleep really, I was just watching the clock.
By the time I was conscious I wasn't on any oxygen, I had one drain coming out of my chest, just underneath my ribs. I had pacing wires attatched to my heart and they were coming out of my chest, that was basically on standbye, so my heart was beating on its own and had its own rythm but it was set to 70bpm so if my heart rate dropped to this the pacing box would kick in. I had a tube in my nose which was putting food straight into my stomach, I had a catheter and I was on telematry which is just stickers on your chest which measures your heart rate, it can pick up any irregular beats or anything.
I was on IVs still at this point, I wasn't on anti rejections yet because they'd been giving me IVs while I'd been asleep, I had IV antickness and antibiotics and allsorts of other stuff. I'm usually really on the ball with what I'm taking but there was so much stuff that I just left the nurse to it! And some medicines were put through my feeding tube.
Thursday 08.03.18
THEN after some breakfast, although I couldn't eat my rice krispies because I didn't have the strength to lift up my spoon! My father came bouncing through the door! He'd had a shave and was in a suit and looked fresh as a daisy with a big smile on his face and I knew I was awake then! I've never been so happy to have a visitor! I was sat up because I'd had some food and I could have a chat with my dad instead of just mumbling! Then my dad left and passed Ciaran in the carpark and said 'I'm not going to say anything but she's back'.
So Ciaran came in then and it was amazing to see him! And he fed me some jelly and fruit which was the first thing I'd eaten in weeks, it was amazing!! Because I was hungry but I couldn't feed myself.
One really grim thing in CTCCU is that I was on laxatives while I was unconscious and they were still working to say the least! But I still couldn't move my body to be able to even use a bed pan so they had to roll me a lot to change the sheets and that's when I started noticing the pain in my chest when they rolled me! But you quickly get used to being washed in bed and the nurses looking after you! But my stomach was killing me, and no one tells you you're on laxatives! So I thought maybe the feed had lactose in it or my body was malfuntioning!
But I wasn't on any pain relief at this point other than IV paracetemol in the morning, because I wasn't moving I wasn't in any pain which was nice. Some girls I've spoken to woke up the day after their surgery and were in agony so I'm kind of glad I was asleep for so long!
My memory is still a bit fuzzy from my time in CTCCU but I updated facebook that I was back in the world and had had my surgery! Ciaran helped me write it because I couldn't text, my hands were so shaky! Partly from the drugs but partly because I just had no strength in my hands. I couldn't believe how many lovely messages I had from people asking if I was okay because I hadn't been on facebook and messages from family. My replies probably made no sense at this time because I'd write a message and then forget what I was writing or fall asleep, and its funny reading back through messages now!
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